dont get me wrong my boyfriends a good man, works, took my kids under his wing . But im just not feeling the love these days. He is off in his own world. Makes no effort to try see his son from a previous relationship (hasnt seen him in 3 years) . He drinks, a fair bit. Doesnt help out with the housework. Annoys my kids when he tries to dicipline them, can be picky about stupid stuff. Hes not violent, or agressive, but he can make you feel real uncomfortable.
I dunno part of me thinks the relationship has been doomed since last year when i fell pregnant and he and his mother made it clear that i should terminate. When i told him the news he smashed his fist through our bedroom door. And spent the next week telling me that i couldnt cope with another child and that i didnt provide for the two i had. (hes never been violent like that again) then his mother was telling me all the same things, i never told my family, his mother paid for the termination (a loan) and i cried right up until they put me under.
Fast forward a year and now my boyfriends brother and his partner are expecting a child they are in a worse financial and housing situation but my boyfriend and his mother are so excited for them.
All i hear is how much they want to be involved with this new baby.
When we heard the news i was sad , but my boyfriend was angry with me for being so selfish, not fair its not like anyone else knew how i felt i kept It to myself and him.
I had a hard time after the termination its not something i ever wanted, but we had only been together a year then and i had come out of a very violent relationship 15 months before starting my relationship with my partner.
I had not healed from that experience enough when i had to make a decision about the pregnancy.
I do resent them for pushing me towards that decision but i know ultimately the choice was mine and was probably not the wrong choice as my mental health suffered greatly after that.
Anyway the main point is i dont know what to do anymore, dont know how much i love him now, or if this will pass and things will get better. None of my family or friends know what happened, or how i feel now.
Sorry this was so long.
Im worried to post it, i know that abortion is a difficult subject and would hate to loose pc friends over it.
Please be aware that it does cause me great shame, and i know that i will think about that soul forever.