i dont think theres any way to know for sure what your mom was thinking, but i thought you should know that sometimes, facing health problems is a very frightening thing, and we dont always do whats best. i've been fighting cnacer for years now, and because it involves my reproductive system, and i'm not yet ready to sacrifice my fertility, i have chosen, continually, the least aggressive forms of treatment. and so it comes back, again and again. i go to the doctor four times a year for checkups. the last time i went they found something, and they scheduled a biopsy. i cancelled. not once, but three times. i know i have a lot of problems right now, and i'm a long ways from happy, but i dont consider myself suicidal. i'm scared. and i imagine your mom was too. its not a desire to hurt ourselves that keeps some of us from seeking the treatments we so obviously need, but the fear of the unknown. the fear of the worst case scenario.
i think there are a lot of issues for people when it comes to doctors and hospitals and treatments.
for me, my fears of what i might face are compounded by ptsd. i cant be examined by a doctor without being sedated, and i still have flashbacks and nightmares for weeks after. my point is, what your mother did may not seem to make sense to you, but theres no real way to know where she was coming from. maybe she was afraid or embarassed, or something else entirely. please dont assume the worst. i dont think she meant to leave you in all this confusion. try to find some peace. feel free to pm me anytime. hugs.