Hello Friends,
Though this is my first post on these boards, I have been a frequent lurker. I am extremely impressed with what goes on here, as members of this community seem genuinely kind and caring.

A bit about my situation. I am 20 years old, 21 in mid-March, and I live in Louisville, KY. I am a student at the University of Louisville after attending the University of Missouri for 3 semesters. A major reason why I left Mizzou was because a good friend of mine was hit by a semi while crossing a street and killed 2 weeks into my third semester. That hit me extremely hard and is what I believe began my emotional/cognitive downfall. So here I am, 3rd semester at UofL, with a complete %#@&#! GPA and little to no self esteem.

A little more background. In high school, Iwas on top of the world. Editor in chief of my school newspaper, captain of my school's hockey team, in peak physical shape. I was a 4.0 student in AP classes with exceptionally high scores on the ACT and SATs respectively. I absolutely loved to talk to people, old friends, complete strangers, it didn't matter. I loved to talk and I felt so great about myself when I did it. I felt I had a presence that would light up any room I entered; call me an egoist, but I truly felt people loved being around me.

I went away to college in the fall of 2003 at Mizzou where I knew absolutely nobody. I had an incredible freshman year: a beautiful girlfriend, a huge group of friends, and wonderful relations with my proffesors. I was still on top of the world.

Everything changed on a Tuesday morning in late August. Arranging a schedule where I had no class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I was basking in this luxury by sleeping until noon. I woke up and went to my computer, to see about 50 instant messages. "What the %#@&#!?" I thought to myself. Every message I read was the same. "Brian is dead, he was hit by a truck, etc." It hit hard. I had to drive back to Kentucky from Missouri, alone with my thoughts. The funeral was even worse, as I was unable to control myself. The weeks went by. I was unable to get out of bed in my dorm room, missing every one of my classes. When I did get out of bed, usually at 4 in the afternoon, I would sit around and play videogames for hours, losing myself in the virtual world. I got heavy into drugs, only pot and alcohol mind you, but still, a long way from my proud self.

Things got to be so unbearable and my grades so bad that I pulled out of school at Thanksgiving break and moved home, hoping to cure these blues. I seeked help from a pschologist, and I began to feel better about what happened. I accepted that he was gone and my reaction to it was of a naturally emotional human being. Though the sessions helped the pain i felt regarding my friend's death, something inside of me has been permanently changed. My GPA at my new school is complete %#@&#!- my first semester I got 2 Ds and 2 Fs, my second semester I got 2 Fs and a B (after dropping 2 classes).I forged report cards from those two semesters so my parents wouldn't blow their collective stack. Now I am on academic probation and if I don't pull a miraculous 2.5 GPA out of my *** this semester I will get kicked out of school. I have no idea what is wrong with me. There is a huge fog in my head, a fog which has been plaguing me for too god damned long. I am so uninterested in everything. I used to love to write. Now I will go months without writing anything (in fact, this is the first thing I have written outside of school in who knows how long.) I used to love to play sports, all kinds, I was athletic as hell. Now my only interest seems to be watching TV, an interest which has seen my body morph from a fit 165 pounds to a slovenly 195 punds. I just feel like complete %#@&#!. The thought of talking to new people or participating in classroom discussion, once my joy, scares me to no end. I feel as though I want to cry all the time. I don't know what to do!

Several months ago I went to my doctor with these concerns and he put me on Zoloft. The Zoloft made things even worse. I would break down while driving, I would think suicidal thoughts. I immediately went off the drug when I started thinking like that. It has been several months and i so desperately want help. I am a small figment of the man I once was, and I would give anything to feel like I used to. I really need help.

I am so sorry that post was so long, but you have no idea how good that felt to get off my chest. I would appreciate any feedback or suggestions you might have to offer. How should I go about getting help? What should I say to my doctor? Should I see a therapist again?

Thank you so much for reading and God bless all of you.

-Zak

PS- In 8th grade I was diagnosed with ADD. I was put on Adderall and saw great results. In college, I noticed the drug to be far too intense and was interfering far too much in my daily functioning. My doctor recently put me on Metadate, which I believe is a Ritalin derivative. I don't know if that has to do with anything, but just thought I'd throw that in.