I thought that subject line would catch your attention! Pull up a chair and join in on my victory party!

Here I go again. I seem to jump from one emotion/feeling about therapy to the extreme opposite. Let me tell you that today's session was FABULOUS!! I could not be happier.

Of course, I went in with anxiety strangling me. The blank stare. The, "I am not going to talk to you today, so back off!!" Yes, I was rolling my eyes when she brought up the same old thing that we have talked about 1,000 times! Yes, I was trying my best to ignore her, yet screaming on the inside, "Don't give up on me. Keep talking."

I copied some of the posts that I have done on PC over the past week. The ones about "being pushed out of the nest too soon", "I don't think I can do this anymore", and "How can I forgive myself?"

We talked (again) about my fear of being terminated (abandoned). She once again reassured me that she was NOT going to do that. She does do long term therapy, and she does not have any plans of retiring or moving anytime soon. She hesitated and stared at me for what seemed like eternity! I guess she was making sure that I was letting that sink in and I was really believing it.

I talked with her about my relationship with her. The whole attachment thing that I am determined NOT to have with her. She asked me what my definition of attachment was. I told her that meant that I was not able to function with out her, I would be obsessed and co-dependent with her, I would see her as a part of me (like my right arm or something). In other words, I see attachment as way too strong of a word for me to use.

She asked me if I felt better saying we have a 'bond'. I told her that was too strong as well. She went on to explain that in therapy, there must be a strong level of trust in order for therapy to be successful. She said that other than my immediate family, she was probably the only other person that I shared very intimate and personal things with.

We talked about this for awhile. A LONG time, until I felt comfortable with our relationship. Yes, I even looked her in the eyes!! That is a downright miracle to be talking about my relationship with her, and be able to look at her while I was talking.

I talked more today than I have in the past 2 months. I am not sure why it was different, but praise the Lord it was. Can I say I had a breakthrough moment?? YEP, I sure can.

She then went on to address why I do not feel that I deserve to be in therapy, and why I still cannot forgive myself for mistakes I have made. I hate this part of therapy! Since I cannot seem to do that, she suggested we do the 'empty chair' exercise. I was like, "There is no way in (hell) I am going to do that!"

She asked me why? I said, "I would be totally weirded out!" She explained to me how it works and said that many clients have had major breakthroughs using this exercise. She could tell that I was not buying into it at all. She asked, "Will you think about it?"

I don't know. I just don't know if I can be that vulnerable with anyone.

I talked with her about the possibility that I might have BPD. She got out her book and read through the symptoms with me. We addressed each one. She somewhat ruled out that I had BPD, but said that I had 'traits' of it.

As you can (hopefully) tell, I am so happy that I was able to communicate with her today. What a relief! I did talk with her last session, but it was nothing like today.

In the beginning, I was defiant and a bit argumentative, but we worked through that. It doesn't seem to phase her one bit no matter what kind of attitude I bring to session. That is odd for me to be able to just express how I feel, and not worry that I am offending someone or disrespecting her.

She even sat with me and scheduled my appointments for the rest of June. We even have a couple of weeks that I will go twice weekly! This is something I had requested since I am out of school. I may regret that, but I at least wanted to try it and see if it helps me.

She went ahead and told me that she would be taking the last week of June off for her vacation. She even gave me a Monday appointment (the day before she leaves) so that there would not be too much time between sessions. I think I am the only client she is seeing that day. Does that make me feel special? YES, it sure does.

I am sure I will come up with more to post later on. I am just so happy at the moment that I felt I had to jump in here and tell you all about it before I exploded with joy! Sometimes I think I am fickle as they come. One time I start a thread about how great therapy is, and the next time I start a thread about how miserable I am being in therapy!

That's okay. If you look at all the negative/sad posts, compared to the positive/happy posts in here, the negative/sad far outweigh the positive/happy ones. Maybe we all need to be sure and post the good things about therapy, as well as, all the hard times we go through? I know I am so guilty of talking about all my struggles so much more than my victories.