My best friend and I are both self-injurers and suicidal.
I have what I call 'panic attacks' because I have no better way to describe them. I sometimes become very afraid of an imaginary friend I have named Jessica or I think nothing is real, like my family and sometimes even myself. After a particularly bad one, (I claimed I couldn't breathe because I figured since I couldn't see the air, it wasn't there) my mom finally decided to take me to a psychiatrist.
I told my friend this because I was scared. And like every time I go to her for help, the conversation is turned around so that she is the one freaking out and I'm consoling her. She said that she was scared and said that if they put me on medication, it was going to make her sad. And she continued to freak out for about an hour. I tried to explain that this was good, I was going to get help, but she only got more upset. The next day, she told me she still felt horrible about it. She told me she wanted to kill herself because of it, and that she almost did. Now, I feel like I can't talk to her about it at all and I won't.
She hates the idea of me having any kind of mental issue. She says it hurts her that I think something is wrong with me, but doesn't listen when I explain to her that I need help. She tells me I'm fine. I have an imaginary best friend who scares me, I hate my family because I'm convinced they aren't real, I can't stand the sight of the veins in my arm because I think they are wires and I have tried to take them out before, I have attempted suicide more than once, and I have major mood swings all the time. I'm not fine and I can't handle it on my own anymore.
Every time I try to reach out to her, she freaks out. The other night she flat out told me I was the reason she was going to go harm herself because I tried to tell her I needed help. I love her. I care about her. But I feel hazardous to her and trapped. I'm there for her all the time, but she is never there for me. Every time I tell her about something that is bothering me, I fear I might be hurting her. So I keep it all inside and it’s killing me. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. Sorry, I know it’s confusing and long. I just don’t know what to do. Has something like this ever happened to someone? Like, wanting to leave because someone is hurting you, but at the same time loving them too much and fearing they might hurt themselves because of it?