I think that when we finally recognize the things that lay behind a person, ignorance, and their own abuse, lack of true knowledge about child raising etc. Sometimes because we might see the history there, maybe even a man who did not know how to deal with the stress from having to be responsible for so much. Well, we begin to recognize things and reach out in a different way.

The truth is, that there are points where, it is just too late. I have seen that too in my parents. I have a sympathy for them as they really didn't know what to do, or how to understand, it just wasn't there for them. So if a parent says " I did good, I did my best, you werent hungry or there was a roof over your head etc." Well, they are talking about the fact that in spite of how difficult it was to provide that, they did do it. And when they look back at the fact that they did do it, well, the last thing they want to hear is that they didn't do it right. Or even that they could have done it better. No, people who are old don't want to hear that and when they are old, they just cant change anymore, and they don't want to see what mistakes they made. Sometimes they do know it and they don't like it and so they harbor anger and many times they don't want to do anything more, they have done enough and they don't anything left to give.
They don't want to take on guilt, they are way too tired for that. It is like taking a very old computer and asking it to do all the stuff a new computer is designed to do more efficiently.

So, I think many times when we look beyond the actual abuse and the whys and even to ignorance, well, it can be hard. Especailly as we may see our own mistakes and our ignorance and we realize that we made mistakes too.

I have often said, know thy enemy. There is alot to that. Alot depends on who the enemy is and why. Some people are just not really capable of feeling remorse of guilt. While others act out due to ignorance and really think that it is the way to react and do things. Or even a person can be agressive due to their own life experiences and they don't even realize it.

We have to accept that we may grieve for what could have been, only if. But we also have to understand that we truely cannot go back and change it. The only thing we can do is see the whys behind it all and learn to not blame ourselves, and sometimes realize that we couldn't control the other person, then and even now.

Now when people say they cannot forgive themselves. Well, what that means is they are more aware of their own reactions, responses and perhaps even allowing in some way for it to happen.
But, it is important to recognize that the situation was out of some kind of ignorance to begin with. So when we look back at picture, outside looking in, well, we see if from a different perspective. A perspective that we did not have while we were in that picture. And the truth is, that no matter how well we see it now, we just didn't then. That too is part of the enemy.
Hind sight is almost always 20/20 and there is no way we can go back. The only way to proceed is by learning and accepting that the situation involved ignorance and we were victims.
So when you look back, it is not just the abuse you have to look at over and over. It is learning all the things behind it, seeing it from the outside in and truely recognizing that we cannot change what happened.

And it takes time to heal from it and allow ourselves to learn from it and move forward.

Open Eyes