i apologize if anything i say here is inappropriate and i understand if it needs to be edited. i pasted the trigger icon because i dont want to upset anyone.

theres an expression and i'm not sure of it exactly but it has something to do with only being given in life as much as we can handle. i passed that point a long time ago and now i'm on overload and i'm about ready to go nuclear. the past few weeks have been horrible. i'm alone all night, which is when my anxiety peaks, i've been sick, my baby almost had to be admitted to the hospital he was so ill, our car fell apart and costs too much to be fixed, we are financially strapped, my doctor has told me that if the results of my newest biopsy are as she anticipates i will have to undergo a more invasive procedure than i am comfortable with, my parents are crawling up my *&^ trying to get me to leave my husband, who is himself extraordinarily miserable, and my only friend in this entire pathetic universe washed his hands of me. i dont know what to do. my husband is home from work keeping an eye on me but its noon and i'm drinking. beer. probably not the right thing right now.
whats made this all so much harder is that the few people still hanging around in my life dont understand why i dont take help from my parents, who are financially comfortable, and i cant tell anyone. i guess thats why i'm posting here. i hate my parents. my father was an abusive bastard and my mom stood by while he turned my brother into the same monster that he is. its been many years since all of this, and the family seems to have swept it all under the rug. i tried to talk to my mom about it failry recently because its one of the reasons i am this incredible *&^% up that i am and my t thought i needed to express how i was feeling and she has this nervous little laugh and she brushed me off. . ."these things happen". do they? is it the norm? am i overreacting here? i remember one night when i was little i was lying on my bed writing in my journal. it was late and i should have had the lights out already. i never heard the door open, didnt realize he was standing over me until i felt the first slap. my father started hitting me and he wouldnt stop i remember screaming and crying and it seemed like it would never end. with my brother he used the belt. he turned that kid into a nice little clone. my dad didnt have to hurt me. he hurt my brother enough, left the dirty work to him.
so no, i dont like to take help from my parents, i loathe them. i dont have anyone in my life really. sometimes i have no choice but to turn to them. i speak to my mom. i know i can ask her for help on certain things and no matter how odd the favor, she helps with out questioning or criticising. shes a different person entirely around my dad. then i cant stand her.
so it all comes back to right now. i woke up this morning my heart racing as i was lying in bed. took my meds, did my breathing, but it wouldnt slow. finally got up to deal with another day and as i was sitting in my car listening to this *&^% on the phone justify why i should be alone, why its all my fault, why i'm this coward that always gives up so why should anyone support me, thats when i had the thought. arent we only supposed to get in life as much as we can handle? what do you do when it passes that point? i am alone and miserable and at my breaking point and i hate feeling like theres no hope in sight, no end to all this. what the *&^% am i being punished for now?