I feel so utterly and entirely out of control of my moods. I am trying to hold on through the depressions to the time of stable moods or even hypomanias, but they never last long enough. I feel like I've exhausted my abilities to cope and I never have long enough to refill my reserves of strength. I worry that I'm eventually gonna kill myself because of this disease, and the things that is most worrysome is that sometimes that doesn't even seem like a bad idea. I know that it would hurt my family and friends (although I really don't feel that close to anyone and relationships can be one-sided, but maybe I'm just saying that because I am depressed right now.) I wish it was summer time and I didn't have to worry about school on top of everything. Next week is reading week so I hope that might help, not that I am sure it will. I am tired of this mood irregularity and I'm not sure I can wait long enough to see if this new med will work... I'm not sure how long I can wait.