I'm sorry I haven't been here lately. I'm kind of scrambling trying to figure out how to get through life without going under.

I really don't know how I am going to get through what we're doing in therapy. Like, really. I don't know if I CAN get through it. And it feels so big and intolerable...the feelings feel way way way bigger than me. I feel like i am so small and there's no way t can see how big it all feels.

Session today was excruciating. I can only remember it in snippets right now, but what I think I DO remember is that I was just LOST in the big feelings and we still haven't said one word about what is behind the feelings. I don't know if I will ever be able to open my mouth and talk about it, and that makes it feel like I'll be stuck feeling like this forever and ever and ever and ever.

I know there is no way T is going to push me on this, and I trust him and I don't really want him to. I just want to get to the other side of it, and I know T wants to keep me safe, and it is like the teeniest tiniest baby steps.

The only good thing that happened today is that I opened my mouth at one point and told him "THIS is how I feel when I need to use a bad coping skill". All I could feel was my heart POUNDING and I couldn't feel the rest of my body. It was just my emotions and my heart. I knew a bad coping skill would make that feeling change into something else. T helped me through it. He had me sit up and he talked me through some breathing and some other grounding things that he learned a few weekends ago and it did make the feeling go away. It feels like if I can remember what we did in session, maybe I can use that outside of session.

I honestly don't know how long I can go on like this. It's like there is this shell of me that is fine - living my life, calling my friends, taking care of my boys - and that shell is FILLED with this awful, horrible, shameful, icky, undeserving person who has way way too many feelings. And I spiral out judging myself for my feelings, feeling worse, judging myself more, on and on and on.

It feels like there is no hope. I keep scrambling, looking for hope, clinging to whatever hope I see, but I think I am just fooling myself. It's like I'm at the bottom of a pit I'll never get out of, and I hate myself for it.