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Do you ever worry about 'getting better' because that would mean your therapy days are over? Do you fear showing too much progress because your therapist may start counting down your last visits?
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Not really. I like my therapist a lot, but I'd be perfectly happy to never see her in a professional capacity again! That would mean that I can handle things on my own, and that is my ultimate goal. We've talked about when to end and she's promised me that it won't be until I'm ready, but I also felt abandoned by my previous two T's and she's aware that is an issue for me.
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Do you fear going into therapy and having a 'good day'? Do you feel yourself putting on the 'therapy face' when you go into a session? What if you went into a session and felt great? Would you worry about that?
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Definitely not. I try to be genuine in my emotions with my T (even if I'm not with anyone else). I've had sessions where I was super perky, and sessions where I was very peaceful and mellow. My T and I both know that these are rarities for me, and she helps me hold on to that feeling while still trying to work through things in session. I think my T likes to see me genuinely feeling perky or peaceful or mellow...it shows her what I'm like when I feel these things and it shows me that I can achieve these moods.
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Then again, whose time is it? It is my time. She is there for her clients. I wonder why I worry so much that I am wasting her time? She is in the business to have client appointments. So what am I even worrying about that for?
This probably goes back to the question she keeps asking me over and over. "Why do I not feel that I deserve to be in therapy?" I still cannot answer that question. "Do I deserve to be in therapy?"
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Yes, and Yes! You've hit the issue right on the head. I think you do need to keep exploring why you think you don't deserve to be in therapy. You would deserve medical care if you had a physical illness, right? I mean, if you had a broken bone, you'd deserve to have it healed, and even physical therapy afterwards if warranted? Can you try to think of "mental" therapy the same as "physical" therapy? Both are used to help you recover from a trauma...one works on the body, one the mind, but both are equally important.