(((((((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))))) I am sorry it is so awful. Even saying those words, meant so gently, seems like a trivialization but not so; it's just that some things are pretty much too deep for words.

You have been through so much already; can you remember when you were just approaching those deeps? They seemed bottomless, limitless, endless, and yet you positively triumphed over them and came out the other side, shining like the sun. You learned not to blame yourself; you learned that you are alive and that life is sweet; you learned so much, and have given so much of it to help others.

Your T is awesome - a word I never use, but it fits him - can you lean on him to help you through? He is doing it. You are not icky in the least, or any of those other things; one day you too will know it. many gentle, respectful hugs to you, dear friend