i went to my therapist this morning, and it was very upbeat and i was doing much better in his eyes and i felt it in myself as well. so i was feeling stronger, strong enough to try to find someone to make me not feel this deep emptiness i feel inside.

well this girl i really liked and almost went out with (we had sex then she went out with her old bf again after telling me how it never worked with them). but i care about her so the deal was i would come over, copy homework, and then take her to get some chocolate.

so time comes to go get chocolate, we get there and she picks some out and i told her i didnt say i would buy it for her because thats for her bf to do. so she stared at me and tried yelling, but i didnt budge. Then she said fine and walked away like she was gonna leave so i caved in and said i would buy it for her but i told her to come back to where i was but she wouldnt and i could literally see her getting more and more upset as i tried to get her to come back. so she stormed out and i bought it anyway and brought it out to her in the car.

well she was yelling and not in a good element. i took her back, she said it wasnt my fault because she is crazy and i hugged her goodbye.

The point to this, is that now i feel miserable, like i just had my insides carved out and whereas i was ok this morning now im hollowed out. i dont know why i feel comfortable around a girl like this and not with a girl who wouldnt make me feel like this. and i cant even have her, so what is the point.

i know she is crazy, more than me, so i get what i deserve i guess. i just hate how it feels like i did something wrong, when i didnt. but i still cant win.

oh and btw, being emotionally close to someone is nearly impossible. it is the most intense joy and fear i have ever felt, and i dont know how to get a grasp on it. i am learning not to be so afraid of whatever, but this fear remains.

does anyone else feel like that? ...that its just unbearable to let someone get close? i felt more comfortable around her just talking, but its like walking on ice if i get emotional...like i could fall any second into a pool of fear and literally not get out.

a mostly useless post, but whatever.