T called and left me my voice mail. 2 actually, because it was sooooooo long. I love that he does that for me, but I hate that it didn't help very much today.

He did say that today was important because I "invited him in to the big feelings with me". I'm not even sure exactly what he means.

I remembered when he said that that at one point in session I asked him if he could come and sit with me but leave part of himself in his chair. He asked which part I wanted him to leave in the chair. What I wanted was for him to leave grown up him in the chair and let little him come over (T doesn't have DID or anything like that...I think my own little parts were speaking up). I didn't say that though, I said I wanted him to leave Analytical T over there and bring Nice T over here. He said that he didn't want to do that. I said to just please come over, and he did and he said on his way over, "I am bringing all of me over because all the parts of me are okay and all the parts of you are okay". Something about it struck me and I kind of stared at him, and he said down and looked at me and said it again, slowly: "all the parts of me are okay and all the parts of you are okay".

I did use a bad coping skill tonight Even as slow as we are going, it feels like too much. I'm scared I'm going to end up in the hospital, but I know T is being so careful (or as he says, care-full) with me.

I tried to focus on now and found ways to laugh with my boys and H tonight but now everyone is in bed and I am alone with me. I know I'm only kind of half-here, because my hands don't look like mine and I can't feel my feet. But really, half-here is maybe okay right now. My brain learned to dissociate for a reason when I was little. Maybe there is some wisdom in it and I should just let it be for now.

I want so much to have it be different. Or to learn to accept it and move on. This place right here is just stupid.