I tried reflecting last night and ended up in tears. Suddenly I started remembering forgotten details and the pain came back. It was so horrible and I feel so pathetic. I talked to my therapist about it, and instead of telling me how invalid my feelings were because this was all through online interaction, she let me know that it's okay because I'm mourning - I was so emotionally invested and it was real to me so I'm not stupid. I felt a lot better after hearing this because no one really tells me that, and I'm scared mostly to talk about it. Even my friend is tired of hearing me cry about the same situation over and over.. and my Dad never even knew this had happened.

But the thing is I don't know how to move past it. I don't know what to do to get over it. I've accepted that it's over, but there is pain still. There is getting hurt by new experiences and then ones that are in real life.. I know inside these guys who are my friends are making moves, and they're nice guys, oh wonderful, kind boys but.. I force myself into denial and pretend there is nothing but friendship there.. even if it's painfully obvious there is more than that. I refuse to believe anything.