This is my homework assignment that she has given me the past two weeks. I just couldn't do it. That is until tonight. For some reason, it made me angry when I wrote it. She knows that I am not being disrespectful to her, so having an email like this will be seen as progress. She will think it is great that I allowed my emotoins and feeling to be made known.

Homework Assignment
(1) Why do I resist working to forgive myself and my husband?
When I really face the reality of what I have done, it may cause me to have a nervous breakdown. It makes me angry that we even talk about this. I am NOT doing it, so you can forget it! Dear Lord, will you shut up about this? For crying out loud, will you get off my back and leave me alone? We have talked about forgiveness over and over and over. It ain’t happening!

If I forgive myself, I may just have a major breakthrough. I am NOT doing that in front of you! I am NOT accepting that this is my life. What if I do? What then? Will I find peace? Probably so, but I am NOT going to break on this. You are not going to get me to do that, so you might as well give up!

You want me to forgive Sam? Why can’t I do that? Because I may just learn to love him again and our marriage might be salvaged and turn out to be a wonderful relationship. I am too stubborn to admit that. Again, you are NOT going to get me to cry.

Are you getting a kick out of this? Listening to me say all that I am NOT going to do? You are probably laughing inside knowing that the reason I am fighting this so much is because I know that I need to do this??

(2) Why do I think I don’t deserve to get better? Why do I resist making positive statements about myself?
Because I did this to myself. If I make positive statements about myself, I may not be able to live up to them. People will look at me like, “You fool. You are not all that you think you are.”

Because this makes me angry to talk about. Why are you nagging me about this? I wish that you would move on from this. I am never going to feel that I DESERVE to be in therapy. Why am I even here? Because my family wants me to be here, that’s why!

I hate coming to therapy. I do not enjoy it, and I do not even know why I put myself through this week after week. Is it because I am nuts and I enjoy pain? Am I so desperate for someone to talk to that I will pick someone who drives me insane with all these stupid assignments?

Squiggle has nothing to offer anyone. I wish people would stop saying that I have some blasted story!! I don’t. I do not want to have a story!! I don’t want to be some kind of spokesperson for couples that are going through what we are going through. Just let us hide away in our own little world. We do not want to come out and be exposed. Go away!

Talk about what I deserve? I have no idea what I deserve. I do know one thing. I do not deserve to live in this lifestyle. What did I do to deserve this?? No one has any idea what this feels like. NO ONE!!!

Unless they have gone through this, they cannot know how I feel. I feel cheated. I feel like I am being punished. I feel that I have to do more than my fair share of what most women have to do for their husbands.
I bet you are sick to death of me whining about this, aren’t you? You have got to be rolling your eyes every time I talk about this same ole thing. I bet you and thinking, “Get over it, Susan. It is what it is. Stop wallowing in self pity.”

Deserve to get better? What in the (#@**) does that mean anyway? I am not sure that I deserve anything.

(3) Why do I find it difficult to stay focused on myself? Why do I try to shift the focus away from myself?
Because I am overweight and I do not like to draw ANY attention to myself. Because doing that is being selfish, isn’t it? I hate doing this. Have you figured that out yet?

Geez! I wish that we could move on to something else. This is wasting my time and yours. It is stirring up a lot of anger for me. Why? I have no idea. I am NOT going to focus on me so if that is why I am in therapy, I need to stop coming.

Can I just throw in here our discussion about our relationship? A bond? Trust? That is NOT happening. I am fighting as hard as I can. I am NOT going to go there. So does this mean I need to quit therapy? I am NOT allowing myself to have any kind of relationship with you. NO!!! I won’t go there!

Maybe that is why I cannot make eye contact? I don’t want to. That would mean that I ‘feel’ something for you. No, not in the sexual way. I mean, I feel a trust. I feel a bond. I feel a blasted relationship forming. Why would I allow that to happen? This is a one-sided relationship.

I mean absolutely nothing to you. I am just another client. Don’t you think I know that? When I am gone, so what? It won’t matter to you at all. You may even say, “Good riddance!”

Will it matter to me? If I form a relationship with you, it will. If I stay neutral and distant, it won’t matter that much to me at all. Do you have any idea how stupid clients feel when put in this situation? Talk about control. YOU have the control and power, so stop saying I am in control. That is not true at all.

Am I staying focused on me in this little conversation? I don’t know. Why? Because I don’t know much of anything anymore. Who wants to talk about themselves over and over and over? I sure don’t. That is stupid and ridiculous! Yes, I am rolling my eyes. Does that aggravate you? Are you frustrated? Are you angry with me? Are you going to cancel my appointments?

Double talk to myself: stating one thing but implying something else
(Double talk is in RED. I am saying one thing, but meaning something else)

(1) You are not going to break me, so stop trying. (Don’t give up on me)

(2) You are not going to make me cry. (Push me to my breaking point)

(3) Leave me alone! (Stay with me)

(4) I cannot stand therapy (I can’t stop it now)

(5) “The Empty Chair”. Are you kidding me? I am NOT doing that. There is no way you are going to get me to do that, so you might as well give up on that.

(7) “The Empty Chair”. Are you kidding me? I am NOT doing that. There is no way you are going to get me to do that, so you might as well give up on that. I AM NOT DOING IT!

I sure hope that I can get to the point that I can do that one day. Talking to a chair? Do you know why I can’t do that? Because I might fall apart, that’s why! I may actually have a breakthrough and forgive myself. Do I want you to see that? NO!! Am I stubborn? You got that right. I am NOT going to be vulnerable.

I probably need to do that more than I realize. I need to break through this stubbornness! It would probably be one of the best things I could do. BUT I AM NOT DOING IT! I sure hope that I can get to the point that I can do that one day. Talking to a chair? Do you know why I can’t do that? Because I might fall apart, that’s why! I may actually have a breakthrough and forgive myself. Do I want you to see that? NO!! Am I stubborn? You got that right. I am NOT going to be vulnerable.

(6) I am sick to death of these assignments (I need them because they are making me think about myself and my life. The more assignments you give me, the better I will be able to see myself in a different light. It will help me to face reality and learn to work on what I can change, and also to accept what I cannot change.)

(7) Therapy sucks and it is for the birds!!(Give me some bird seed because I may be in therapy for a long, long time)