I'm feeling AWFUL today, really really really bad.

Part of it is because I've been thinking about the fact that my brother has edited our mother out of existence. She killed herself thinking that nobody would miss her... and he's done everything he can to prove her right. On his wedding day he never mentioned her, and I've discovered that my nieces don't even realise they had a Granny Ann. They believe our stepmother is our biological mother. I love my stepmother, but she's not my Mother.

My brother has said that he doesn't want his girls to think about mental illness, or suicide, but I think the truth of it is that he doesn't want to think about it himself. And it breaks my heart that my mother's darling boy, who she loved SO much has swept her out of existence.

It's made me wonder what would happen if I were to die, would I also be edited out of the world, as though I'd never existed.

I'm not suicidal, I can't ever allow myself to be, but I am thinking a lot about death. My poor Mum. I wish there was anything I could have said to have saved her, but if she had foreseen the future it would just have confirmed her hopelessness, her belief that she wasn't loved.

My nieces are the image of my Mum. I wish I could show them photos, talk about how funny she was, how clever, and kind, and pretty and smart.

But he doesn't even have a photo of her. She died twice.