I have been looking all over this site and it seems a safe place to ask hard questions so here goes.

After being abused as a toddler by my mother who was hospitalized, I sent to live with a couple. While I lived with them the husband sexually abused me. He used my fear of my mother to keep me from telling. My mother finished her treatment and I was returned to her and my father. My father was one of the good guys and probably why I am as healthy as I am or as I seem. However his profession lead to his being out of the home for months at a time and although now more sporatic and less severe the abuse and neglect continued. Eventually my mother divorced my dad and took me and my much younger brothers with her. I was often the babysitter and main caregiver. In many ways it seems that she traded a husband for a wife as i was statrting at age 11 in charge of cleaning cooking and caring for my siblings. This is all background for my question.

Because of the early sexual abuse I was highly sexualized and masturbated often. One time when I was 12, I tried to use my oldest brother who was 5 at the time. The guilt from that one act drove me to try to kill myself and lead to self injury. I was so desparate to avoid hurting anyone or anything I turned it all on myself.

I have been in therapy for a few years now and have dealt with so much. I am so close to being a new and better person. But I don't believe I deserve to because of this. My brother doesn't recall this -- he has other mental health issues. I have never told anyone but God about this, but my therapist threw out some ideals last session as to why I am still stuck. I feel like she suspects but I couldn't tell her -- I am not sure I am going to post this even and not sure if it belongs here or on the abuse survivors' page.

Anyway, what do you think? Can this be forgiven? Who would I have to tell?

Please be gentle I haven't cut for 10 months now but I am so close to it. I pray this doesn't trigger anyone else. I just need to hear someone else's thoughts.