I know I haven't been around much lately. I try not to think too much about therapy lately generally speaking, so PC is a place I check in only once in a while. But I hope it is okay that today I need to reach out.

On Thursday my T and I had a really intense session where I decided to talk about my difficulty in relationships/attachment, mainly that I always have to have a "person" that I get REALLY intense and obsessive about, and this person becomes my entire world, and I'm not sure how to break free of that pattern.

I don't remember most of the session, but I remember two main things which keep repeating in my head. First, I am moving soon to go to grad school, and my T said she would consider therapy to be a "bare minimum" expense for me, and that we need to find a T in the city where I will be moving that I can start to see as soon as I get there. Bare minimum?? Really??? Finances are a serious issue for me right now and I wasn't considering therapy on my list of necessities. Am I really that f***ed up??

Second, I remember talking about how I felt about my old T, and what I got out of our relationship back then, and while we were talking I was just sobbing and sobbing, and then at the end of session I just went totally numb, I guess so I could get through my day.

But the numbness didn't go away. For days I haven't been able to get anything done. I am really struggling. I can't seem to take care of myself right now because I keep getting stuck in my thoughts and it makes it so I can't think of what to do next, and I just pace and pace and pace in my apartment. I am barely eating because I can't figure out how to make food. I mean, I can't seem to put the steps together. I couldn't get out of bed until 1pm today. I feel totally paralyzed. My head just keeps saying "bare minimum, bare minimum, bare minimum" over and over again and I keep having weird feelings which I guess are like depersonalization (my hands look weird, my body is rubber). Every once in a while there is a little "crack" in my thoughts where I am able to escape and remember to brush my teeth or make a phone call or whatever, but then the tidal wave of my stuck-thoughts comes back as soon as I am done with whatever task I was trying to do.

I know this is really long but, I have some work I need to get done this weekend, and I don't know what to do because I keep losing myself. It really sucks because it just confirms what she was saying about T being a basic necessity for me. I don't even know what anyone could tell me about how to get out of the stuck place right now but like, even the most basic things might be helpful since I can't seem to remember any skills to use, and T is not available on the weekend. The only thing I could think of to do was to ask for help.