At my session, T and I switched where we usually sit with each other. So I could have a different view—of the wall behind where I usually sit and so never see. I think this really helped the session! Helped break out of a rut? Try on a different perspective?

For the last 4 years, there’s been a topic lurking that I want to deal with in therapy. I’ve made a couple of passes at it, the last and most significant time at a session about a year ago. But that effort didn’t go further. When T and I last met, I had told him I really wanted to work on this, and that was something, to even say that. So this time he asked me early on if I wanted to talk about this topic—something from my childhood, my past? I told him I did. Try as I might, though, I couldn’t get started. I would sit and think and be silent and try to come up with what to say, but couldn’t. I repeated several times, “it’s too huge and I don’t know where to start.” Finally, I told him I needed his help. He asked if I wanted him to ask me questions, and I said yes. What a relief! So he asked me blind questions (like the game 20 questions), not even knowing what meaning I might assign to what he said. It helped me touch some of that material and bring some of the feelings up, even if I didn’t reveal many concrete details. Some of what he asked was very triggering to me, and helped me release some of the emotion. He saw the feelings so knows there is healing work here for him. He said we were just dipping our big toe in.

I have a hard time remembering what all we talked about. I do remember being completely flooded by the end of the session (only 50 minutes—shorter than usual for us) and looking at the clock and wanting it to be over. I told him a couple times that I didn’t know what he just said and finally, “I want to leave,” which I don’t think I have ever said before. I think he was a bit taken aback that I said that! He said, very sincerely, “please tell me when to shut up.”

It’s been a little while since the session and I am remembering some details now. I recall asking him if he believed in God and what his God is like. (This is not what we normally talk about!!!) I also remember speaking to him a couple of times in a very flat voice. Like very weary and distant, with no intonation. I also remember sitting there looking at him and wondering how he would react if I told him I had murdered someone. Would he sit there across from me and accept that with equanimity and no judgment? I did not tell him I was wondering this. All this is not the heart of our conversation, though, which is cloudy to me.

Something that was unusual was that at the end, when we were looking at the calendar, I asked if we should keep having these shorter sessions since I had hardly been able to get through this one. He said “no” very firmly and wants to stick with the longer 90 minute ones. He wants me to come more frequently too—every 1-2 weeks. Usually he lets me choose our appointment frequency and length. Somehow it felt really good for him to be more directive about this. Maybe he sees I need more from him right now and is willing to respond to that.

This was an intense session and felt more like the ones we used to do.