Thank you guys for reframing what she might have meant. I did talk with her about what she meant, she said it is like if someone is learning how to do research projects on their own, they need a lot of guidance and support at first, until they have more confidence and can do it on their own. But to me that just sounded like, "jexa is an incompetent adult" since most people don't need therapy to function in everyday life.

But I guess since I plan to be a T one day, and I am not exactly as well as a T should be, therapy should be a priority. Affording it, though, is going to be a struggle

Thanks for the suggestions to focus on my breathing and to get outside. I tried to focus on my breath and I could do it for a few seconds and then when I closed my eyes it felt like the world was expanding into endless, endless black space.. and I totally freaked.. but then I went on a long walk outside and I kind of feel sort of ok though I can't seem to get any work done on the writing assignment I was trying to do. Oh well. I also listened to some music and started crying on my walk because the song was "Home" by Ed Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes, and it goes: "Ah, home, let me come home. Home is wherever I'm with you." Which made me cry because, I don't think I've ever felt that way, and I don't think I ever will. I can't trust anyone.

I also got kind of manic and went ahead and found a T that will be covered by my student insurance (who is a trauma specialist) and wrote her an email, even though I won't be in the area until August. I will probably just look anxious to her I guess, the fact that I contacted her so soon. But I feel kind of better -- it's kind of an instant resolution to the issue my T and I talked about, so I don't have to sit in the in-between place of "Will I, or won't I, continue therapy?"

Thoughts are really disjointed still.. I hope I can pull myself together soon.