If you are 19, please try to find a therapist who can give you some guidance on this problem. Do not even consider suicide. You are too beautiful. If you need help finding a therapist, please post again so we can help you with that. You need someone in your life who can advise you on a weekly basis on how to live life and have life not hurt. Please find a therapist you can work with. Check around for free places or places that are on a sliding scale. But don't try to handle this all alone. You need a good friend and a therapist is a great place to start. Good luck.