I am feeling a little better today. I was able to get the work done I was supposed to get done. Well, not as much as I planned, but I am ok with what I accomplished. I had a weird moment today where I was feeling up-in-space, totally lost, not able to get things done.. and then there was a strange moment where the dishes pulled me in like a "hook" and all of a sudden I was in the "mode" where I got the whole house clean. Then I could write (which was the work I was supposed to get done).

Anyway, now I am just distracting and watching shows and stuff but I am ok with that. Thank you all so much for being here. T is definitely going to have to hear about this reaction. I still.. it is still bugging me because I have this sense that she DOES think I am really messed up and stuff and I feel like she is judging me and my ability to be an effective future T. I don't know for sure though, but it is bothering me.

rainbow, that pattern.. it is such a snare, I don't even know what to tell you. I had a hard time even admitting this pattern to myself, to be honest, and although I talked about it with my old T, she didn't really have a ton of concrete answers. My new T hasn't really either. So far I have just gotten stuck again, and again, and again. If I am not in T, I will do it to a teacher, or a mentor, or a friend, or a boyfriend. So I try to contain it in T because it is a safe place.

BUT even though my T's haven't had a ton of answers, the things they have said have led me to think about this issue a LOT on my own. So, what I've been told is that I need to "spread out" the intensity of my attachment -- that I need to cultivate a lot of different close relationships and invest in all of them so that my intensity doesn't overwhelm people. I have also learned, through a lot of therapy, how to feel something fully without the need to act it out. So, when that obsession comes, I try not to feed it (because then it just grows BIGGER and bigger forever), and that's helped some -- just learning to feel that desperate need and then not give it fuel.

I also have been told that it's like my way of never getting close to anyone. It is very self-protective in a way, because it is not "true love." It is not open, it is not sharing, it is not healthy give and take. So it's like the hurt is contained because it all, always, resided within me.

I don't know, that's just some of what I learned. I have learned how to control the behaviors so I don't freak people out, but I don't know how to overcome the feelings. I have a thought that I will always have that black hole inside of me, but in time, it will be ok and not so scary to have the black hole, if that makes sense. Most importantly, I won't have to act like a crazy person because I feel desperate. I can feel desperate and then just soothe myself, without needing someone else to do it.

One thing I have learned through experience mainly is that feeding the black hole is counterproductive. Following the obsession, doing what it says, acting in desperation, acting out, following the person on Facebook, finding out where they live, calling them unnecessarily, all of that. If I DO any of those things, I am feeding a monster.. which will grow, and grow, and grow, forever, and I'll have less and less control over it. I have learned to NEVER feed the monster. Sometimes, the urge is too great.. but self-control is paramount. Build that muscle, it will save you from losing yourself.