TheByzantine- Thank you. Yes! a no win situation, that's how it feels. and also I'd like a "thank you for your input" when I take the time to listen and respond in the best way I can to be helpful. It's VERY triggering for me to be ignored.... it feels unsafe. I would never say what he should do UNLESS he asks me-- he always asks me-- but then it's like I wasn't even there helping him...
it's confusing to me....
scary and sad.

like his drinking.... I've asked him, pleaded with him, left and slept in a motel-- but after a couple days, it's like I never said a thing or did a thing as he staggers around in the evening. I so so hate this and my life.....

madisgram- thank you. I like your idea of a "list" of pros and cons. That way I have it in writing that I've helped him-- he seems to forget all the times I've helped and consoled and defended and listened......

Any responsibility seems to make him very anxious, such that he can't make decisions without someone else's input. I work part-time and have worked full time in the past, I've always contributed to the income and do the housework and raised our kids as H has been a workaholic.(he even lived 400 miles away for 15 months at one time and also traveled around with a band at another time, for a year-- each time I've dropped to deep depression as my pleading and requests are ignored-- now it's his drinking)
T. says I've been his "mother" for way too long .....
I never meant to be his "mother", feel I really messed things up...... thought it was being nice by putting others needs before my own..... didn't think I'd be in the state I'm in now.....

why didn't nice deeds get rewarded???

do nice guys really finish last??