Thanks for the thoughts, Perna. They seem like the most positive things I can think about t, and I want to believe he's not just being sexist, though I think there's an obvious hint of that. I'll be really disappointed if I start to find out his values conflict with mine too much.
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Originally Posted by Perna
I think there's a lot of subtle things going on here that you might want to continue discussing with your T; I don't think "confidence in your physical appearance" is related to conforming or what others think (or even wearing makeup, etc.) at all!
Ones physical appearance is part of one's self (or should be) so insofar as you are confident in being accepted by others for yourself (not wondering if people "mind" having you around or if you are a bother, etc.) that feeling should extend to your physical appearance. Often I think our physical appearance shows how we are feeling inside. Hence, a depressed person may not wash their hair or bathe often enough, an anxious person will get up an hour early each morning to put their makeup on before their husband sees them  etcetera. |
I agree physical appearance is, or ideally should be, part of yourself. But I'm not sure it's realistic for naturally average (or worse than average) looking women to be confident in our physical appearance without putting a lot of work into it. A lot of women want to put work into it, which is fine for them I suppose. I like to do that occasionally, but not to the extent I really know how to use makeup, always make my hair do what it's supposed to, always have a good outfit, etc. I just think the standards of our society require women to put more work into it than we should have to. So, if my preference is to accept that strangers aren't likely to tend to think I look really good rather than put more work into my appearance, I can be confident that I'm doing what I believe in without being confident about my appearance being acceptable (by standards I don't believe in)... I think? Oh, and I'm not in that extreme category of not bathing!
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Originally Posted by Perna
It sounds to me like your T is trying to work "backwards" from the "obvious" (how you look) to your inside, how you feel. If there's a disconnect in how you perceive your physical self, there might well be a disconnect in how you perceive other parts of yourself? It's kind of like the scientific truth that smiling can make you feel happier.
http://www.scientificamerican.com/ar...ke-you-happier
http://scienceblogs.com/cognitivedai...better_w_1.php
It sounds to me like your T was just trying to understand how you think about yourself (legitimate desire on his part) and not necessarily trying to get you to be like a model/other women without knowing how much effort that takes, etc. There are a couple of TV shows about models, "America's Next Top Model" (I have watched a few of those) and "Make Me a Supermodel" (I haven't seen but it's a contest too, where wannabes compete to become) and I enjoy watching them because I am not very aware of my body, it's placement in space and how I carry myself and these people (Make Me a Supermodel has both male and females competing) have to be very aware of themselves. It's almost a form of body work, like yoga, tai chi, or some kinds of somatic therapy work: https://www.massagecredits.com/pages...ting.php?SB=17
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That was it, Next Top Model. Ick, they're competing, vomit, yuck- especially the one that's all women, which is the one he brought up. I tend to have my head in the clouds and I think it could be useful for t to help me become aware of my body... but tai chi, yoga etc sure would've had less sexist overtones.
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Originally Posted by Perna
How you "look" is not the same as how you express your physical self. Whether you wear makeup or not or cut your hair, etc. is not the issue, it's more about how you inhabit your body. If you like/don't like it/yourself that will "show", no matter what you do; it's part of your expression of yourself like your tones of voice and whether your eyes "light up" when someone special enters the room. I don't think your T is trying to criticize you as much as understand what he perceives and he wants to know what you know about how you may come across to others. There's nothing good/bad about it, it just "is". I would love to be a warm, happy person :-) and I imagine warm, happy people smile a lot, are relaxed, quiet, graceful, etc.
What sort of person do you want to be and is that what you appear to be "broadcasting" with your body?
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I agree that how you express yourself, smiling, stretching, your body language, etc is different from how you look (hair, clothes, makeup). But he didn't say he was only talking about how you express yourself. He said physical appearance.
Gah, it's hard to see a way around considering what he said sexist. Wish me luck talking to him. The really frustrating thing is there are so many more improtant things going on right now- a friend maybe has cancer, etc. It's hard to tell whether I should be letting him distract me with this. Well, obviously I haven't been able to help it.