Wow. Have you been living in my house?? My 13 yr old daughter and my husband are the same exact way. And he and I have the same differences in opinion on the matter. He is very militant and acts like a drill sergeant, whereas I try to be more flexible, give choices, and try to understand her point of view. Now, I am no saint by any means, and have my own days where she is just too much and I lose it, but nothing like he does.

Your daughter is doing what she is supposed to be doing at this age - testing the boundaries and trying to pull away and be independent. Unfortunately, the back talk is part of it. The crazy thing is, that's actually the goal of parenting...to take a drooling, pooping, lump of absolute adorableness and somehow shape it into a responsible, independent adult. But it sure is hell along the way! Now, there are limits - challenging rules is one thing, being completely disrespectful, name calling, swearing, etc. (if this is what she's doing) is another thing altogether and shouldn't be tolerated. On the other hand, she is becoming a young woman, and is not a dog - therefore, simply "behaving herself" and following orders is not likely to happen.

It sounds like you have three issues here:

1. Heather's back talk and argumentativeness.

There's a website I'd like to share with you: www.empoweringparents.com/
It talks about how to handle the back talk and defiance we get from our kids. There are articles and a newsletter you can sign up to get. We, as the adults in the relationship, need to work smarter, not harder, at communicating with our kids. (I'm still learning!) That's good to hear that you're standing your ground with her. Good job, Mom! Now to get Dad on board....

And that brings us to problem #2: your husband's response to her. He may not be able to hear it from you on this one. Is there any way you could go to a few family therapy sessions? Our family has been in family therapy for a few months now and it has helped. The therapist can help him understand why his message of "I want you to do these things because I'm your father and deserve respect" might not be coming across very well and is clashing with her message of "I'm growing up now and I don't need you telling me what to do all the time". It may also give your daughter a safe place to hear the back story behind his message (for example - "I give you rules to keep you safe and you need to learn obedience to succeed in this world"). These statements are just examples and I am no way trying to read his mind. But there's often more to the story than words actually say.

The third issue you are dealing with is his response to you. Are you confronting him about his behavior in front of her? That will set my husband off immediately. I've learned that the only way I have a chance of him hearing me is if I pull him aside and speak to him privately, out of earshot of my daughter as much as possible, and as calmly as possible. Somehow, you need to present a united front as much as is safely possible or she will tear you both down. Unfortunately, when things are heating up between them and getting out of hand, you need to be the referee and tell everyone to take a time out. Easier said than done, I know. I have found that saying things like, "this needs to stop now", and "we need to take a break - we'll discuss it when everyone cools off" - and stand firm with him, too. Become a broken record..."you need to stop"..."but she's out of control!"..."you need to stop"..."but she's..."..."you need to stop"...When people revert to a child-like way of communicating (ie: losing it and blaming), then we have to almost treat them like children and stop them in their tracks to diffuse things. Oh, and yelling back only adds fuel to the fire. Keep your voice calm, but stern - with both of them. If you are able to diffuse things and can talk to him later on, in private, try to show him some of the articles on the website. If he becomes scary to you when he gets angry, tell him. That stopped my husband in his tracks when I told him we were afraid of him at one point (he's a big guy and can be very intimidating). Above all, stay safe. If he's really getting out of control, get yourself and the kids out of the house.

I highly recommend family therapy, if at all possible. And don't make it about him if you decide to try that. Make it a family issue - that you think the family could use some help in learning how to get along better.

How is your husband when he's not fighting with your daughter? Is he hostile to you or extremely irritable? He may actually be suffering from depression - men often express depression as anger.

I hope I'm not coming off as preachy - like I said, I am still very much in the learning process myself. But these are things that have worked for us. We still have some issues, but I feel like things are better under control now.

to your family.