So I wrote this last week and meant to post it sooner, though at the moment I'm more manic and aggressive due to work related irritations. Anyways,
Here's what I wrote:
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I've always been a little afraid of living,
(maybe that's why I read so much when I was younger, as an outlet?)
I don't know if it's slight social retardation(from birth or from past drug use);
or from being on the lower end of the autistic spectrum (all speculation on my part, no actual diagnosis, I always come up slight less than the spectrum requirements); or merely a combination of low self-esteem and an ongoing inferiority complex I've always had. I have fleeting moments of high self-esteem and feelings of self worth, but it never lasts long. It seems like I am never the same person at any given time compared to another. I'm trying to increase my confidence and aspirations/ambitions for my life at seemingly no avail. Perhap I don't see it, perhaps I am improving(slowly). Unfortunately it seems that only time will tell.
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The part about not feeling like the same person at any given time compared to another could not be more true. Sometimes I feel there's a weak little girl part of me, and a hardcore angry punk chick ready to fight at the same time. Yet, at my core I'm mainly a calm and relaxed personality, striving for knowledge and peace and understanding. Yeah, I know that sounds lame, I once took a quiz on mycupid.com that said that I'm so nice I would make even Jesus throw up or something to that effect. And other quizzes say I'm good in small doses- so in other words, I annoy people in some way? God, I wish I didn't care so much about what others think, part of my problem is I care too much. Always have. I took another professional test through my therapist when I was still in college and scored like an ITSF personality or something like that which apparently only less than 2% of the population shares my personality. Just great. There in lies the rub I suppose. Well, that's all for now. Peace.
