I had my session today and it was painful. When I talked about the googling and researching activities, and said I wanted to work with that part, we did IFS. I closed my eyes and she wanted to hear all about that part, but NOT about her at all. She wanted to hear all about those people in my RL I did this with, starting with 1st grade. I didn't research then, of course! I had these fantasy relationships where I tried to find out things about the person instead of having a real relationship with them.

Then, she brought it back earlier to being a baby and could I feel what the baby wanted. I wanted to figure it out, and know why she thought it started then, but she just wanted me to FEEL the feelings. I was frustrated because I wanted it to be about HER, not the baby! I didn't want to comfort the baby. She says this all started at a young age or I wouldn't have the feelings. I believe her but I didn't want to GO THERE.

There was about 10 minutes left and I said I just wanted to put my head down on the couch so I did. I didn't cry but I felt so blah. I told her she was "shattering my dreams" again and I just wanted to keep her the way she was in my fantasies. I felt like dying. After about a minute I was surprised when she was sitting next to me and touching me. Just her hand on my arm or something. I don't remember but it felt good. So I sat up and looked at her. She told me how she wants to help me. I said "what good is her knowing all this about me, etc." I don't remember exactly what I said or she said. I know I said I wanted it to be about her.

In the beginning of the session I had asked about merging. She heard of it, but she doesn't like diagnoses anyway. She said she's not an expert on BPD. I knew that already. No other T who had more knowledge of BPD helped me anyway. She said getting to the young parts and hearing their story will help me. She still thinks holding my hand is good. I questioned her on that. She knows it's a different way of therapy.

I felt something today because she wouldn't let me make her important, and that's the feeling I felt about "the baby." I felt unloved. I told her I felt like she was rejecting me, and she said she wasn't. She's trying to build up my Self, she keeps saying. I keep saying I'm fighting it.

So, I feel sad!! I know this is what therapy is about, and she thinks I'm doing it. It's going to hurt, but we're both well aware of this pattern and she wants me to learn how to get my needs met without having to resort to this pattern, and not needing to google her, etc.

I don't know if I'm going to survive this.