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I think at this age fathers/daughters and mothers/sons battle. My daughter could set my husband off without saying a word by rolling her eyes at him.
I am a bit concerned because it sounds in your post that you’ve sided with your daughter. If she sees this (and I guarantee she does) then this battle will only escalate. She knows that all she has to do is get you to the point that you’ve lost track of the issue and only want peace she will push to that point every time. It doesn’t mean she’s a bad child, it is just human nature. But it WILL damage your relationship with your husband. If there is one I heard a million times it was “you always side with the kids.” It took me a really long time to realize that it was true. The yelling would start over a legitimate issue and it would bring up my own issues and I would jump on him just to stop the fight… between them. Before we learned to deal with these issues I felt like I had another child, my husband. I’d yell at him for yelling at the kids and yell at the kids for making their father a raving lunatic.
I’ve lived this life and this is what worked for me (most of the time).
First have a private talk with your husband. Let him know that even though he’s right you cannot deal with the shouting and door slamming. (He is right, your daughter is misbehaving and the behavior must be addressed) Ask him what it will take to remove that from the equation. Shouting is not working, all it is doing is escalating the situation. Come up with a plan that you will present as a united front. Most common transgressions and what you both believe the punishment should be.
Remind him that this is an age when she has all sorts of hormones running wild and she hasn’t learned to deal with them yet. She may be angry and not even know why. He may be the target of her ill temper, but it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s being disrespectful intentionally.
What does the dawdling hurt? If she’s putting off chores or homework so she ends up having to stay up later than she should that definitely needs to be addressed otherwise take that time out of her leisure time. I have no doubt that HE sees it as a direct insult and disrespect but she’s just acting out.
Secondly Heather must learn to respect authority. In this case her father. She needs to learn to express her feelings in a respectful manner. Right now she’s playing both sides against the middle. When you are ALL calm explain to her that this is not appropriate behavior and it will not be tolerated. If she’s generally a good child, ask her how she thinks her back talk would be accepted by a teacher or police officer. Let her know that her behavior is hurting YOU too. You deserve peace in your own home. Let Heather know that your husband is under stress and her behavior puts him over the edge. But at the end of the day he is her father and she MUST listen to him.
I intervened with my own kids. When their mouth started going and I knew it was going to escalated, I sent them to their room. Do not come out until you can be civil. (Cell phones, computers and video games were removed. I found it easiest to take the power cords). Find creative punishments. If one of the issues is that she won’t keep her room clean, take the door off of its hinges. Works like a CHARM. Or if they were taking their time loading/unloading the dishwasher, they had to wash the dishes by hand.
Third, if any of this is going to work you HAVE to back him up. If you disagree with him take it up with him in PRIVATE. Have a back up plan. There will be times when she’s in a mood and he’s in a mood and they are going to clash. What are you going to do to stay out of it? Go for a walk, put your ear buds in? Heck, take him with you. If her behavior has pushed him over the edge, say “honey, let’s go for a walk.” Good Luck!
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I've been married for 24 years and have four wonderful children.
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