poetgirl, thank you. I know this is my core issue, as I think it's called. It's all about this. My googling is a symptom of this deep problem inside of me. It hurts so bad, though.

I so much wanted my T to be another one of those "persons". As much as I want help, I still had the fantasy and still do, as stupid and silly as it is I can never stop wanting that. My T says I will want it until we heal the young parts, and that's what we're working on. She says it takes time.

lyib, thanks for understanding.