I am trying to decide whether or not to move. I have been living at my mother's for the past 2 years. I moved in after dropping out of University in February 2004. It's been a difficult couple years. It's involved a few suicide attempts and too many near events. I did end up going back to college, but that hasn't meant soothe sailing since. I feel like I have made very little progress, but I have made some. I am much better at seeking support than I used to be, though still not perfect about it.

I think that maybe living with my mom has exceeded its usefulness. I love her and I know that she also loves me and is trying to support me to the best of her ability, but I think that I have come to depend on her too much simply because she was there. I used to be able to function relatively well on my own and perhaps my regression has been in part due to my illness, but I think it is also because my parents have encouraged me to trust them again, encouraged me to depend more on them. I think I have, I think I've also tested them a lot, fallen apart to see if they will still care. They have, but I still continue to test them.

I think to a significant degree I keep repeating the same pattern with them. I start to do well and establish good routines and behavior. I start to slip, because no one maintains things perfectly. However living with my mom she tries to pick up the slack, to motivate me, but I interpret it as her saying I'm incapable of taking care of myself, and since I am living at home I don't have to. Eventually I fall apart because I feel so ineffectual and out of control of my life instead of just my moods.

I am considering moving away from home. My mother would like me to stay in the city or at least the province; so that I can continue to use the supports I have here. Yet I desire to move further away, to really force myself to take care of myself, because I think as long as I am close to my parents I'll continue to depend on them. I'll visit too often because it will be too easy... even if it is a 3 1/2 hour drive. I want to move across the country to Montreal.

As long I enroll in the University there (McGill) I can get free counseling and get medication from a staff psychiatrist in the mental health centre. (Counseling is a different service) There is surely a group I could find too. I know it would be a huge jump and one without guarantees, but sometimes I think we need huge jumps because of their symbolic significance.

As I said above my mother is very opposed to me moving. She thinks it is the wrong decision. She thinks I will fall apart completely and perhaps even take my own life. She thinks I want to go because it's a romantic adventure (a guy I've been talking to lives only 3 or 4 hours away,) and I think that though it may be that, it's also something that might really help me. Sometimes you don't improve till you have to. I guess I'm just babbling. I share some of my mom's concerns, but I also think I'm reached the limits of how much I can improve here.