Yesterday I realized how much I was hiding behind a mask. My mom was talking to me, and said that now that I'm better mentally I can make decisions better...she was talking about my decision to change my major which she thinks came from my unstable mental state (it didn't, I promise...it was something I'd been thinking about for almost a year and a half)...and she also thinks I might change my mind and wants me to think about it more etc...I'm not changing my mind...and none of it has to do with my mental health.

...But the fact that she thinks I'm better, fine even made me realize that I'm hiding behind a mask. A mask that says everything okay even though it's not. She always thinks everything is fine...she thinks she knows me...but she doesn't. I put up a front with her, and most other people because I don't like questions, and most people just don't understand. My mom is the worst though. She doesn't even try to understand.

I've also noticed throughout the years that when I'm depressed I go one of two ways:

1)I don't give a crap about anything such as showering or what I look like. There have been days lately that I haven't showered...days that I sat around in my pajamas until I had to get dressed (sometime between 2 and 3:30 in the afternoon, when people were coming home)...

2)I try to make myself look really good. Take today for example...I wore a super cute floral skort with a really cute top, and nice flip flops. Not only that, but I put makeup on! Powder and mascara...unusual for me. I also changed my earrings and put on some nicer ones rather than the regular studs I wear daily and rarely take out. I feel as if making myself look put together will not only hide how I'm feeling to those who see me, but also might make me feel a bit better.

I wish Thursday didn't seem so far away...Thursday is when I get to see my T...and I really need to see her now.

I'm not really sure what the point of this post is...but yeah...