I started out this morning feeling okay. Did not have overwhelming anxiety or anything. That is.......until I stopped in WalMart on my way to therapy. Oh My Lord! I thought I was going to have a melt down right then. For some reason, I started crying. What is up with that? Panic and fear took over.

I had to call my husband to help calm me down. He does not understand why I get like that before a session. I can't explain it to him, because I do not understand either. I just walked out of Walmart and headed to my car. That is when I fell apart. Crying?? Why?

I finally made it to my appointment. By then I was better, but had those blasted 'cry eyes'. I hate that. I know the receptionist noticed. I went to the restroom and tried to 'fix my face' before going up the stairs to her office.

I tried my best to have small talk with her while she was finishing up some things on her computer. Then she turned around and looked at me. Well, that just did me in. SHUT DOWN!! She asked me what happened on the way to my session. I couldn't talk. She was just looking at me, waiting for me to respond. I finally got so mad at myself that I blurted out, "I had a meltdown in Walmart on my way here."

We talked through what happened. What was I thinking? What were my thoughts when it happened? I said, "The only thing I was thinking about was checking out and getting to my appointment on time. That shouldn't have triggered anything."

She said that I must have been thinking about more than that. I sat there, getting madder by the minute. Trying my best to think about what may have triggered it. Then I blurted out, "It might have been because I knew you would nag me to death about the stupid forgiveness thing. You talk about that everytime I come in here. I am NOT going to go there. You might as well forget it!"

She just looked at me. You know, that "look" they have when they know that you are fighting about something you don't want to talk about, but it is exactly what you "need" to talk about.

We sat there and you could hear a pin drop. The clock ticking. The fan humming. I was thinking, "Okay, here we go again. I am not talking and she is waiting for me."

I finally said, "I want to do exposure therapy today. I need to do this." I am not sure she knew what I meant. I got up and removed the pillows from the couch/love set. I told her where to sit and I got out my pictures to show her. I said, "The last time I let you sit this close was right before that ridiculous rupture we had. I only made it about 3 minutes that time. I am going to try to be present with this longer than that today. We are going to look at these pictures to keep me distracted."

Yes, I was quite demanding and direct. I had to be. If I did not take over, I knew that our session would be a disaster with me not talking at all.

We had a pleasant experience sitting together and talking about my pictures. They were of my classroom at school, my grandchildren, my pets, and my home. Every minute I would say, "I am okay. I am doing this." I think I sat there about 8 minutes! That is a miracle! Once we were through looking and talking about the pictures, I said, "Okay, you can get up now."

She got up and sat in her chair. I said, "I did good, didn't I?" Then I asked her why she thought I struggled so much with that. Her response was, "I am not sure if it is more the physical aspect or more emotional. You fear people getting close to you. You have shared alot with me and I wonder if you fear the closeness that we have? You fear our relationship. You are allowing me 'in', and that scares you."

Oh my Lord! Did she say "closeness" and "relationship"? Those are two words that do scare me to death when it comes to my therapist. I think she was waiting for me to say something, but I was not about to admit that I do feel close to her and I feel that our relationship is forming a bond between us. NO WAY!!

Even with that little scare, I was quite proud of what I accomplished today.

(This is about all I can type right now. There is more to share, but this gives a start to our session. Will get back on here in a little bit to finish.)