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holder_of_the_dove · Jun 07, 2011 at 06:50 PM

Hi all. Your shared stories are very traumatic and you are all brave and I am glad you are all still here fighting the illness. My story doesn't seem as poignant , though it is part of who I am and I would like to share it in this safe place.

My illness begins at 19. I had began feeling as though I couldn't understand what people were saying and had trouble reading situations and body language.Mostly I took things negatively as it had something to do with me.While family and friends said nothing out of the ordinary was happening, to me their body language,voice inflection and word usage left me confused. I began hear friends voices in my head, clear as a bell and it was always them cursing and belittling me. I already had low self esteem and my friends were the source of the little I had. I guess I tried fighting it alone for a while, even as the voices turned to more aggressive hate paired with killing myself. But they came and went, I always questioned my friends and its part of what drove them all away.

My cousin gets married and while there I transform people into other people and even talk to them as if their someone else and the large conspiracy delusions began on a minor scale. I believed my moms side of the family to be top level KKK members and me and my father were to be assasinated. I thought after the wedding they were gonna drive into a forest and have a cross burning, the most horrific of this day was my delusion that came at the dinner. They were serving "chicken" in my mind my family would take the meat of a deceased family member and serve them during special occasions so that they could be reincarnated through the next lines children. So there for I didn't eat anything prepared or made by the family. During the walk down the ile I paniced and though snipers were on the roof going to shoot and that planes above(outside wedding) were going to drop a bomb, I was about to get up then shared with my aunt what I was thinking, she some how conviced me to stay put. But everyone knew at that wedding that Adam was crazy.

From there I ended up on a few meds that didnt work and in a few short term institutions that didnt help.

Soon I was believing I could talk to stars and would stay outside all night in the desert cold(I couldnt feel the cold). I would believe I was Jesus reincarnated or some prophet and believed people to be worshiping me, I would pray at stop lights for them to change. Constantly I prayed. I walked the streets all hours of the night. Eventually I came to believe I was Muhammad , it was short lived as I transitioned into believing I was buddha and I had to walk forever until I fell over from exaustion and a tree would spring forth from me. My parents didn't understand what was happening so I was kicked out. I was homeless for two weeks and begged to come back. I wasn't as psycoitic as I would become. I decided I would move back to Indiana alone and in New Mexico I was kicked off a gray hound at the station I was full blown pyschotic believing people on the bus were arriving just for me asking an small shop attendant if an ex love of mine was around. I believed someone waiting in line was a ninja woman and was meant to be my mate so I began doing only what I can describe as perfectly executed kung fu(never had a lesson) the cops arrived they were genuinely scared. I used a walking stick which with my bags I had to leave at the station while they took me to give blood(forced is more like it) my drug screen was clear and they took me to a hospital attatched to the university. I spent a weekand half there and had to be released, while there I had delusions which I cant describe everyone was someone else, thats the best I can do. My parents drove from arizona to pick me up in new mexico and brought me back. A new delusion formed, IT was ALL for ME and I was king tut. All women were mine, men offered them to me along with their cars, though I turned down their offers, everyone was for me and loved me and the world was mine. TV began to seem live and my mind some how warped it to be about me,radio and movies too. The pattern to which people moved on the street or in their cars made sense to me, I began seeing a pattern of codes in all life. I could still talk to the stars but now they were aliens that only confirmed that I was king tut.

well there is a lot more but this is getting long....I ended up in jail where I was placed in the mentally ill unit....there the delusions and thoughts were broke and I came back to reality and had to face some charges for disturbing the peace and such. Yeah I had stopped traffic on a few occasions before this. I was put on medications youd know and have been free from such exoctic symtoms as long as I stay medicated. I have been considered disabled since I was 21 and since have dreamed of going to school and working again. More than anything I want a nice apartment where I can practice the different art disaplines I love and just be at peace.

Thank you for taking time out for me, I hope you gain percpective in who I am and where I come from.