Thank you so much FZ, this is incredible, and really strikes a chord. Misdirection. That is exactly what is going on.

The thing is, there is this desperation in me that is so great that I am afraid if they find out how much need is in me, they will run. And the thing is, they do run. So I guess when I "misdirect," it feels like what I'm really doing is hiding the desperation from the person, but indulging it privately so it doesn't sneak into my interactions with them. Because, would you rather meet a person and then secretly get as much information about them as possible to satisfy your urge to feel close to them, or meet a person and desperately try to spend every moment with them?

I have needs, I need to love and be loved, and those needs just don't get met for me. There is a loneliness so great in me that it feels like it could swallow the universe. It's like I'm a malnourished child. Have you ever heard (or personally known) that a lot of children who are malnourished might later struggle with food hoarding? Even when they are in a place with plenty of food, they will start digging through the garbage, hiding piles of food in their room, throwing tantrums if you throw scraps of food away. Well, I feel like one of those children, except I feel that way about love.

The thing is, though, love cannot be controlled. If it is controlled, it is not love. Love is spontaneous. What I want is love. I want to feel safe giving it. But you can't feel safe giving it. You can't will it to happen, you can't expect another person to make it happen.. but don't we all need it? And I know that asking the question, "So how do I find love" goes completely against the idea of love's spontaneity, but this has become a problem for me, and if a problem needs solving, there need to be steps to a solution, only in this case the only step is letting go, and I just. don't. get it. I don't even know what it means to let go. I get that the more I try to understand it, the further I am from it, in the way that "the Tao that can be described is not the Tao." And I am aware that my problem is that my head is a world of words and I think in words and I live up there, but all my attempts to get out of my word-traps seem to invent new word-traps. Even the ones that are supposed to be teaching me how to live life instead of living word-traps (a la, "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life").

This is exactly how it feels. I love the smilie you used because it IS banging my head on the wall. The last guy I dated, I was totally obsessed with, but I NEVER called him. He called me once a week and we would go out. I didn't kiss him until the third date, etc. I was NOT going to feed the monster.

I remained in control, and I actually recovered fairly quickly when I realized he was dating several girls, including me, concurrently.. which could have previously sent me into a self-destructive tailspin. But I sacrificed something major. I stifled a scream inside of me, I pretended it didn't exist, and on our dates, I felt stiff and unfeeling. Not myself. We did many fun things, none of which I enjoyed.

Yes, it wasn't worth the energy to stifle the scream, was it.

You have, FZ, a big start. Your contributions are... incredibly refreshing. And even though I seem like a stubborn fool since I seem to have a "yes but" for EVERYthing.

The monster, by the way, is actually not a monster.

She is not a monster at all. I call her that because she acts like a monster. She is a child, throwing a tantrum. I've tried to talk with her before. But all she can say is that she wants everyone in the whole world to love her, all of the time. So that is the feeling. I can't give her what she wants. And most of the time I hate her for wanting it. I guess that is cruel, huh.