There I said it "out loud". T and I talked about this today. My sis is a mom and she is allowing her kids to be treated poorly and it is really triggering me. I just feel..... fat, stupid, ugly, and worthless. T says I am not that according to other people but that she understands that I feel that way. She asked me if I could possibly look at it another way. I said no. It would be a lie. She said she is here for me and when I am ready to, will explore other ways of seeing myself with me.

I told her how anxious I was and how sick I felt in the pit of my stomach. I felt... fear and disgust. She said those are old feelings from the past. And it is true they are. But bad to the bone, rotten to the core, it doesn't just change with time or hard work. I am all those awful things and that is the truth, my truth. I wish, I wish I had had her and her husband as parents. At least the abuse would not have been there. Someone would have told me they loved me as I was, no matter what. But in my family love was always conditional and sometimes dangerous. I was never warm, safe, or loved. My T is trying to do that for me now, as best she can. I need her and I am scared. What if she finds out that I really am rotten and the "good stuff" about me is all a facade?

So, T was long and productive, but this is going to take a long time to change, if it even can. I don't really think it can. Anyway, I am not sure why I shared this. I am not looking for words of support or for people to tell me I am wonderful. I just, wanted to share a powerful session with people who could understand. I wanted to share a rare blessing, someone is showing me, ME, an unconditional, positive regard. Someone who knows my deep dark secrets and my past. Someone who has seen me at my worst. For now, that is what I will try to hold on to.