I always feel guilty for posting on here, that's why I don't much. I feel like I shouldn't I dont know why. I read but never respond, I only post when I really desperately need it, which is now I guess. I'm 15, from the uk. I guess everything's building up again, I felt fine for the past week, I thought maybe these antidepressants were starting to work I felt genuinely great. But now I've hit a wall again and am at the worst stage of my mood cycle. It's the worst it's been in long long time. I told my camhs worker about all my thoughts and plans but she didn't seem to care. Well she seemed to a little bit, but seemed more annoyed if anything, she told my psychiatrist and they both gave me a lecture that I have to "work with them" etc etc. All I have tried to do is do exactly as they've asked because I want the old me back so badly. I feel torn between not wanting to hurt the people I love and not wanting to be the failure or let down, but then I hate having to live feeling so truly awful and not being happy about anything anymore anyway. I'm just constantly miserable but it's worse when my parents don't understand and they get irritated when I get bad, they say I'm just being spoiled or ungrateful and that I should just "snap out of it" but I've told them so many times it's not like that at all. My parents don't understand and dont even try to anymore. They never want to talk about it when I try to. I said to my dad that I'm sorry I'm like this and that I don't want to be, I don't control it and I really want it to go away. I know you think I'm ungrateful but I'm not, I am so grateful for everything they give me and I feel so guilty that I'm not really happy because I know that's how I should be. I said that to him he just patted my shoulder and carried on walking out the room so I started crying I couldnt control it and he didn't even look back he just went to watch tv. Sometimes the only thing I want is for them to give me a hug and say everythigs going to be alright but they don't. I think they're fed up of me now, my mum says I'm wearing the whole family down when I get bad. I feel so guilty when I get bad which makes it worse. I'm so scared of losing everyone I love because I push myself away from them when I get bad and I think by now everyones fed up of it. I told my friends this but only one of them said it was okay and they're here for me. I understand, it's nearly prom and the end of school and parties and all everyone wants is to have fun fun fun and they wouldn't want me ruining the happiness with my "depression" they don't want to have to think about it. I guess when I first started feeling bad when my first time in hospital for an odI had such a great support network and the people I love were so supportive and there for me. Now it's been going on for so long I feel like noones bothered anymore. I feel isolated from everyone, as if I'm not really significant and don't really matter.
I just feel like it's ruining everything and I'm running out of hope. I can't make it stop. The Prozac does a big fat nothing at all just makes me tired which doesn't help as I already had a no energy problem. The bottom line is I have felt suicidal for so long it always comes back again in a vicious cycle I can't get out of. I don't know what to do, nobody tells me. I ask but nobody gives me any productive advice. I spend hours telling the cahms people and psychiatrist everything, but after everytime I just feel like I've wasted my time it seems totally useless. But what else is there that could help it's the only thing. Meds and talking therapy. Does nothing. I don't know what to do I feel like I'm getting desperate, nothings changing. I'm sorry for wasting your time, like I said I don't like posting and bothering people but I don't have anyone who remotely understands to talk to right now. Jess.