Hi Rubysun - thank you for sharing your story. The more I hear people's stories, the more in awe I am of the strength we can possess when we need it.
One thing you wrote almost made me cry:
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the churning wrenching soul-shattering agony of a mixed state
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Oh. My. God. I have never heard anyone put it so succinctly. I get awful mixed states. I end up curled up in a ball on the floor crying, feeling like someone just gutted me. My soul hurts and I feel it literally down to my fingertips. By this time, I have probably just finished with a rage episode and feel extremely guilty and suicidal. It's a very dangerous place for me. Thank you for voicing that experience.
I hope you feel comfortable talking with us some more.
