I know this. And this is the problem. So much of who I am is wrapped up in this world of mental illness. All the real challenges of my life is trying to untangle from this insanity that resides in my head. All the other little annoyances are shaded by the affect of my psychological garbage. It is impossible to make a connection with someone when the essence of me must be kept a secret because it is too disturbing to them. You see I can talk to them about how upset I am about the fact that I got a disconnect notice from the light company, but it is a kind of a lie because that is not what is worrying me the most. It is my reaction to that disconnect notice that scares me and is what I need to talk about but can't talk about because it is too...unfathomable. Even my husband who has lived with this for so long and has heard all I have to say still doesn't understand and there is still a lack of connection between us because of it. We connect on other levels but I am still alone when it comes to the things that disturb me the most. Shoot, I lost the thread of where I was going with this...oh yeah I can make small talk but it is just fluff and I remain seperate because I don't care about that stuff because it doesn't matter. Menstrual cramps and pissy boyfriends are nothing when you have heard voices of people who don't exist and seen yourself dead a million times. But who am I kidding? I don't connect with anyone in group either so it is stupid of me to whine about not being able to connect to "norms" because they don't understand. Ha ha. It is just one dopey mess. I will get it cleaned up eventually.
Carrie