Hi Tree,

First of all please take a few deep breaths, This situation will be okay, take yourself to a safe place and try to relax as your poor mind and body are going through so much with all of this, so we need to get you feeling a bit better.

It sounds like you were in an extremely vulnerable place and you gave yourself permission to feel and to open up about the painful things you are struggling with at the moment and that is brilliant!! That took a lot of guts. I bet your T could tell that you were in a lot of pain. You then asked him to sit beside you and hold your hand, which you say you have done for years.
I honestly think his question, of what does it mean for you when we hold hands, was simply his way of asking you how it helps you, especially when you are feeling so distressed as you were.
He didn't bring up the past or what you experienced then at all, if you look back it was you that mentioned it and got angry at him for that because you presummed what he was thinking about. Is that not right? As you said, you freaked out. Is it possible that his question which could have been and most likely was totally innocent, unintentionally triggered something in you from your past and that you reacted to him like he was trying to get more from you? He then had to respond not only about what he really meant but also about what you were reacting to which wasnt really the situation but to feelings about the past, so he reinforced that it wasn't your fault.

You are not a bad person at all, you were triggered and past feelings came up in a situation that was here and now and you got scared - that is totally understandable hunni! I think you were reacting in a way that was trying to be self protective but also became a little bit distructive.

I don't think your T meant to hurt you and maybe when you feel a bit better than you do now, you might be able to consider that.

You say that when the abuse happened that you were holding hands with the person first. Maybe the reason you initially decided to try this in therapy all those years ago was because you wanted to test how safe it was to do this with your T and to find out that you could be safe with him and that he wouldn't hurt you. But I do think todays question was more related to finding out what it was about holding his hand that helped you feel safe and better after feeling so distressed about other things going on in your life.

Im sorry today felt so bad hun, I hope you can see a way through this and I believe you will be ok