Well I never really stopped self harming, I know how much it upsets my parents and they've confiscated paractically loads to try and stop me, I just sometimes need it, I hide it as best as I can though. I don't know why but I've started doing this thing where I almost strangle myself, like cut off my air supply until my head starts ringing and my whole body tingled and I feel dizzy, then I stop. I think it's because I like the feeling of emptiness or something, or that I make myself stop is almost as if I havethe power to do it but I'm proving to myself I can stop it and not do it that I can fight it?
Hmm not sure if the exam board actually can do anything anyway, I'm over halfway through exams now idk.
I think If I tell pippa the truth I feel like I'm disappointing her, I feel like I should be getting better and that the meds should be working etc I just dont want to think I'm letting her down?
I'm just angry at myself, I thought I was "cured" last week, I had one of them moods again where I just was out of control. My family kept asking why I was being weird -- I'd just burst into dancing out of nowhere and stuff! I totally was great, I was really helpful and got loads of work done and even painted a while room by myself in a matter of hours! How did I let myself let go of that why cant my mood just be NORMAL always!? :/
Yeah, I've tried getting out more but it doesnt have the same helping effect it used to, now it makes me worse I get jelous of my friends or families happy moods and am like -- why cant I be like that again?? I feel like I can't talk, I tried visiting my grandma but I thought I was acting fine okay, but then she asked my mum what was wrong because I kept drifting into a world of my own - I didn't even realise I thought I was acting fine :/
How are you doing? Heard anything about the job interviews? xx