Where to start? I've been in a really weird state for the vast majority of a very long time now. A little background...There have been unrelenting huge stressors over the past year and a half. Don't want to elaborate any more than what I already have here on the forums, though it might be useful to know that even what I have talked about has not been full disclosure, and that there are a considerable number of other major concerns that I've not talked about at all. Not here. Not psych. Not anywhere.

Sure, I've had some substantial - but not nearly as lasting as they were before meds - depressions (complete with sui ideations and will not go anymore into that so as to not trigger) and even a wild hypomania (over the top from even my usual). It only lasted 2 days. Oh right, and meltdowns over getting totally disoriented quite a number of times. Thing is, I've been, for the most part, appearing to be coping. But there is a point, somewhere, that will exceed this capacity, you know?

Even my psych (who knows that I "cover" well, so is not particularly fooled) has been amazed. She said the other day, "You realize that w/o your meds, you would surely have been hospitalized by now, right?" She is right. I have absolutely no doubt of this either.

So what is the point of all this? I have what is, to me, the biggest stressor yet coming up in less than 3 weeks. I've often wondered what a total and utter breakdown would be for me. What? When? Where? How? I'm trying to just push forward and not think about it, but... it gnaws. I'm not talking sui here, but having people take me away. I'd say against my will, but frankly, I don't think I'd even have a will at that point. (Unless it took the form of raging, which would be just plain ugly, as I'd have the will of 10 people(!))

Does this last paragraph make sense to anyone? Thoughts?

(I've seen people see me in moments where they've pulled their phones out, considering calling. So we're talking beyond that... that I wouldn't be aware at all, and that they would call for sure.)