i tried to crawl inside myself where it is quiet, i forced myself to become numb. i was safe. i made it through another day even though i wanted to do things that i shouldnt and i didnt. i held on. and then i was lured out, and found myself facing more pain. and i hate myself because i am not a child anymore and should know to protect myself, but i didnt and now i am hurting. i called my pdoc and told her i am not okay. i am afraid i am losing my mind. i am afraid that because he cant hurt me anymore he sends others to hurt me to do what he cant do to me. i think i'm going crazy. my husband is afraid he will lose his job he keeps staying with me so i know that i am safe. i cant leave the house. i'm scared of whats out there. i cant find my quiet place and last night the flashbacks were like waves drowning me i couldnt breath and i could feel him there standing over me and i could hear his breathing and there was no escape. i am so afraid. my husband is grounding me he talks to me and i try to keep myself here and my head hurts so bad. i dont want to lose it. i'm struggling to keep it together. i need to stay here and just be safe. my pdoc agreed to see me i kept calling and calling and now she will see me and i'm just trying to hold on until then.