granite, thanks for being here for me again!

rainbow_rose, thank you too.

mue, yes it's just out of reach and always has been for me. Thank you for putting that thought into words for me.

Sannah, I've always said that I'm addicted to my Ts. I don't know if it's about not wanting to feel the feelings, or about knowing I can't get what I want. I emailed my T that I can't tolerate when Ts take away the drug. THEY are the drug, but it's not an addiction, it's a need that feels like an addiction. Not getting it makes me want to die. "It" being love, I assume. Unconditional love forever and ever. Fantasy and reality mix with my T because she's meeting some of my fantasies and says that's healing. It is, but the bottom line is she can't be there forever and that feels like there's no reason to live.

Giving it to that baby or child makes me want to scream because I need someone else to give it to me. Holding T's hand gives me some of that feeling I want.

I don't know if it's a need to merge or not. I want T to be T, and me to be me, but I want HER holding/touching ME.

Well, that's the problem and there isn't any easy solution!!!