Thanks guys for all you input, gives me some things to think about.

I'm a pretty small person 5 feet and under 100 lbs. My doses are not very high. It seems like I can't handle the higher doses, or I will be a total zombie and have significant side effects. It's not ok for me to be a zombie and a mom so I'm pretty stubborn about that. I agreed to anti psychotics only when I am manic or mixed.

I am very active, and practice a healthy lifestyle aside from an ED. I dont engage in and bad behaviors. I have been asking for cbt for 6 years and have not got any yet. I'm in Canada, health care here is a bit different. I'm in a small town too so less resources. I did go through 2 psych groups but they were depression only focused. Still trying to get therapy. I have a t but she just does talk therapy which I don't find helpful.

I had one pdoc for 5 and half years who I liked. New pdoc for a few months and I am trying to get a new one. He's not so great at all. The thing about no meds is that I'll land myself in the hospital no matter how healthy I try to be. The hallucinations become too much, my reality becomes so distorted, and I become so low functioning. I am talking about mixed or manic phases here. The depressed phases suck but I can tackle it better, I have more skills for that, and I can take control.

The mania is so strong that no matter how hard I try, is too strong. I don't have skills that I can use when all ration, or logic has left the building. I feel so guilty afterwords for not being able to control this. I don't do anything bad but I am functioning on a level that needs a home care aide Oh I might over spend a little, at thrift stores and such. I am on disability so even that can hurt my account.

You think cbt can help with that, I'm going to keep trying to find some.