Thank you very much for this, ECHOES. Self-object transference seems to fit what I do. I hope for "something better" than I got, though I still don't know what I didn't get from my parents. In my case, I know I was wanted, loved, and welcomed. My father was calm and competent, so that's two. Maybe I didn't see that I was like Mommy or Daddy, though doesn't seem correct either. It must have been important for my mother to make me feel safe more than my father, and that's what I didn't get.

Kohut did NOT think those needs were met too often; is that what you meant? That's interesting.It seems awfully hard to be a good parent and give our kids what they need! That's why most people could use therapy!