At this moment in time I am shifting through emotions pretty rapidly. We just got home from another state seeing my Grandmother while we were there she went into the hospital, everyone was upset but I didnt let it get to me I didnt think it was serious. We got home Tuesday and today we got a call that she died a little while ago. So, Sunday we are heading back up there for the funeral. I keep kind of going through stages of Normality, Numbness and Sadness thing is it's all happening rapidly like within minutes.

That isnt what this is about though, I know grief strikes people in many different ways and that may just be grief but this has been happening a lot lately. I am diagnosed with Bipolar II, I was in therapy and on meds until I was bullied so much in Highschool I nearly committed suicide and was expelled. During the bullying I went to numerous people for help, Councelors, Deans, My mom even the Principle all of whom did nothing. So eventually it got bad I lost pretty much all my friends and nearly overdosed. After I got out **** just got worse, my mother and Step dad treated me like pure ****. They took away everything I had including my bed. My mom pretty much screamed at me every morning when I woke up over one thing or another. Eventually she dropped me off at my grandparents and just never came back to pick me up. We saw eachother one last time, and this was for my School conference in which they requested for her to bring me. After that was over, she yelled at me some more and then dumped me on the side of the road with no money and no cell phone so I walked to the store and had my grandparents come get me. Me and my mother haven't talked directly since. She took me out of everything, which means basically now I don't get dental care, health etc. No medication and no Therapy which I was supposed to get because I was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder shortly before the school thing. I cant afford therapy, or to have my teeth fixed, or anything of the sort. I live with my Grandparents now who sometimes can barely afford food. I uhm, got into some trouble a bit after all of this with a store. My friend suggested stealing and I couldnt afford any clothes so I went along with it attempting to take 2 shirts. We got caught of course, and now I am dealing with all of the money I now owe the store and for court fee's etc. Which I cant even pay.

I just, dont feel anything anymore the way I should. Occasionally I will cry, or get upset but only when Im alone and then Im right back to nothing. I dont really have anyone to talk to anymore, or turn to. My family doesnt want to get involved and I cant afford therapy that even I myself know I need.
I'm not sure what to do anymore in fact just yesterday I contemplated suicide because at this point I dont even know what my worth is..Im not in school, I cant afford to fix my teeth which need help, I have health problems I cant get fixed, I gained weight and got stretch marks and I'm only 18 so I dont feel pretty anymore like other girls my age. My own mother hates me and told people I would be better off dead, I cant see my little brother or sister whom I love so much. Im now in debt and cant afford to pay anything or find a job. I just feel meaningless, like my life is going nowhere and I'm not sure what to do anymore...

You can say get help..but I cant even afford help..what do I do...
Everything is going downhill.