I just want to hide away today, my dad woke me up and when I told him i didn't sleep well and that i woke up at 2 3 and half 4 and couldnt get back to sleep so i was too tired he just said "oh dear" that's it. Then reminded me it's my friends birthday today and to get up. so I have to be surrounded by a bubble of ott fake happiness and act like I'm glad to be there. I'll be expected to sit in some restraunt and make stupid smalltalk to everyone there and all I want to do is cry and hide away. I know I can't not go, but I just want to lie and say I'm ill and sorry I can't come. Mum seems to think I'll enjoy myself once I'm out, but I know I won't. I just don't have the energy to put on a face and pretend to enjoy myself. How do I manage a whole day where I can't let my smile drop once!? I've hardly seen my friends since we left for exams, I just can't handle being surrounded by so much la la la. I can't help but be jelous of them all being so happy and seeming like everything is perfect in their lives, and thinking why can't I be happy like that again!? Its not fair that it makes me not as nice towards them, they don't understand so it will just seem to them like I'm being a ***** . I don't want to go, I don't want to get dressed I don't want to leave the house I don't want to do anything apart from cry and cry and die. Do you think she'd understand if I just cancelled? Lots of people are going so I doubt she'll miss me really. Plus cpn was hinting about changing my meds if they are still the same next week, I just wanted these to work straight away!