No, nothing happened on PC, at all. everyone here is so incredibly supportive and helpful.

something happened in my session and it pretty much sent me into this unbearable toxic shame spiral. it feels like it confirms what I knew all along...I. am. a. bad. person.

T said something that was probably totally innocent, something that hit the absolute CORE of "I MADE people who loved me sexually abuse me" and I got triggered badly (I think T said on the phone I was blindsided, but I can't remember if that was the exact word) and I seriously seriously freaked out and said stupid things and did a stupid thing. I thought I kicked T, but T told me on the phone I kicked *at* T, I didn't hit him. But still. But still! And he said on the phone that when it happened, he was really surprised.

He says one moment doesn't undo all of our work together. But I don't see how I can even talk to him about it, honestly. I'll say "I'm a horrible person" and what will he say? "no, you're not". And it will be just like when I was little when my mom beat me and in the end I had to reassure her that she was still wonderful. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh.

It will take a long long time to crawl out of this hole. I'm so ashamed to even write about it here. I don't even know if I want to crawl out. Maybe I just want to stay here in the dark and take klonopin forever and forget about trying to heal, because I obviously can't do it.

I'm sorry