Quote:
Originally Posted by treehouse
T said something that was probably totally innocent, something that hit the absolute CORE of "I MADE people who loved me sexually abuse me" and I got triggered badly (I think T said on the phone I was blindsided, but I can't remember if that was the exact word) and I seriously seriously freaked out and said stupid things and did a stupid thing. I thought I kicked T, but T told me on the phone I kicked *at* T, I didn't hit him. But still. But still! And he said on the phone that when it happened, he was really surprised.
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I'm sure your therapist was surprised that you kicked at him. I bet he was very surprised, but, -and I'm not being glib here - if you can't kick at your therapist, who can you kick at?
II don't know the whole story, but it sounds like you just got very angry at him for suggesting something that you know is not true and that you hoped he knew wasn't true too. Words got twisted, things likely got wholly misinterpreted and wham! you kicked at him. I'm just not seeing how that makes you a bad person at all. Just a human being having a strong emotional reaction to something and lashing out from really really deep inside.
You may do it again, you may not. Given the situation and what I know of it, it seems to make perfect sense to me. Why does everything have to be so contained all of the time?
Quote:
Originally Posted by treehouse
He says one moment doesn't undo all of our work together. But I don't see how I can even talk to him about it, honestly. I'll say "I'm a horrible person" and what will he say? "no, you're not". And it will be just like when I was little when my mom beat me and in the end I had to reassure her that she was still wonderful. Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh.
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About this he is exactly right, one moment doesn't undo anything. In fact, in that one moment he learned a lot about what's going on inside your head and what really really bothers you. That can only be a good thing.
I hope, on some level, you can begin to see that this is not at all like it was when you were a child. I'm not exactly sure what you are saying here, but there is no way that a simple emotional response means that you are a horrible person.
On the contrary. You were hurt and angry. We are allowed to get hurt and angry. Any of us are capable of kicking out. Any single one of us. That doesn't mean that we are all bad people does it? No.
ANd it doesn't mean you are either.
Your therapist will likely insist that there is little to nothing here for him to forgive, and I would agree.
I do hope, however, that you can see that as well and can begin to forgive, honor and appreciate the emotions that led up to this event.
This will all work out, forgive and love yourself. You would say the same thing to someone in this situation. Now say it to yourself.
Love and peace to you.