So, because my question has either disappeared or just went unanswered, I'll post here.
Seems an appropriate place.

I'll start by saying this:
I was abused severely as a child, sexually, mentally, spiritually, and physically.
A while back, I found this amazing girl, that changed my life.
I literally walked across the country, over 3000 miles to be with her.
After moving to her state, I would walk 10+ miles in the knee high snow every day just to see her.

We eventually moved in together, and were madly in love, or so I thought.
We were engaged after 3 & 1/2 years.
About 5 years went by since we met, and all I ever heard from her is how much she loved me, and how we were soul mates meant to be together forever.

Towards the end of our relationship I began to suspect her of cheating, mind you, I never accused or questioned, just pondered.
She told me she was pregnant, and my heart was filled with joy.
I wanted so badly to be a father.
Shortly after, and just before our wedding, I found out that she was indeed cheating.
And worse yet, this child was his (Test proved it).
After dumping me and confessing her undying love for this guy, I tried to kill myself.

By some strange chance, I woke up on the floor...
I took this as a sign that I was not meant to leave this world yet.
And before you go thinking I made some sort or error before hand to survive, let me tell you I tested and retested my method of suicide.
I was fully prepared to die.

So time went on, and about 2-3 years later I found another girl (After a couple of failed attempts at love and companionship).
She and I have become very close, but there's a problem.
She has a boyfriend already.
Not wanting to be the other man, so to speak, I opted to back off.
She told me it would break her heart were I to leave, and so I stayed in this.
She then told her bf about me, and our growing feelings for one another.
At least this way there is no sneaking around, which I wont do.
They're still together and my worst fear is that he'll either propose, or she'll get pregnant.
I think I'm just being strung along as some kind of back up plan. -.-
She says she loves me but how can that be true if she intends to keep seeing him?

I truly feel a connection with this woman, and can't simply cut her loose.
However, I'm starting to feel as though no one can be trusted, ever.
I'm tired of being played, cheated on (Which has happened a few times) and overall used.

I'm an honorable guy, and I hold loyalty and honor higher above all else in life.
Though more and more I don't want to live.
The pain of my past, present, and what seems to be a likely future is becoming unbearable.

I almost just want to become a player, and use women before they can use me, but like I said, I'm an honorable person, and it goes against my grain.
Lately I just want to jump off a building and have this all end.
I've been in therapy and it has a very negative impact on me.
I refuse to take medications, as I'd rather be a broken person, than a fixed robot.

Any advice?